


She's With Me

by quimtessence



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humour, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Parody, Written Pre-Half Blood Prince
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 23:43:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19711915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimtessence/pseuds/quimtessence
Summary: Snape is called to a Death Eater meeting only to find that he must, once again, play the hero.(Written Pre-HBP. Originally posted on May 29th 2004. Yeah.)





	She's With Me

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in the spring of 2004 and posted to Ashwinder Sycophant Hex (then Lord and Lady Snape) on May 29th 2004. I haven't changed anything from my original notes on the story and the story itself.
> 
> Simply put, I just felt like sharing. I guess. IDEK. Enjoy? (I can't bring myself to reread it.)

**She's With Me**

by [Ashwinder Author Profile](http://ashwinder.sycophanthex.com/viewuser.php?uid=1125)

**Disclaimer:** I own my plot, JKR owns the rest. I just borrow them because... well... It's fun! 

**Author Notes: (1)** This is a parody for certain Hermione/Snape fics. I'm not making fun of the characters themselves, just the over-used plot. If they seem a little out of character, remember it's a parody: it's supposed to be insanely insane. **(2)** Umbridge is mentioned, so you need to read OotP to know who she is. **(3)** Special thanks to my beta, [ **Sara Lady Dalian** ](http://ashwinder.sycophanthex.com/viewuser.php?uid=58), for helping out a lot and making the story more readable.

*******

Snape felt his forearm burning. It was the middle of the night and he had been sitting in his private chambers, reading, when the pain surged through his arm and then his whole body.

He knew what it meant: the Dark Lord was calling him. He was faced with two options: (a) remain in his seat and continue reading, blatantly ignoring the house-call, or (b) go to the latest Death Eater meeting. Severus opened his book again, read a few more paragraphs, then put it down with a yawn. He decided to get dressed and go after all. Anything was better than 'Pride and Prejudice' at two in the morning. After the thirty-sixth time it just wasn't funny anymore.

Thus, he got dressed, and was just about to leave, when he sighed. He went over to the chair he had been sitting in and picked up the book, putting it in his pocket. At the last meeting, he had almost fallen asleep while Lucius Malfoy was torturing a sixty something woman who kept referring to him as 'sonny'. He must have dozed off for quite a while because by the time he woke up, they were playing scrabble. They only did that _after_ killing the last victim.

*******

Voldemort was in an exceptionally good mood. He was going to enjoy himself doing what he liked most: sitting on his throne and watching his Death Eaters rape, maim and torture helpless Muggles. It sent a surge of power through him. Or was that the pepperoni pizza he had for dinner? It didn't really matter. It was quite a pleasant feeling - unless it was the pizza. That always made him clog up the bathroom for hours.

Voldemort looked at his trusted followers. They were all in their robes and masks, except for Wormtail, who just stood by the throne’s base playing with a ball or yarn. Idly, Voldemort drummed his fingers. _All those years as a rat..._

Only two people were missing: Bellatrix Lestrange, whom he had excused, being as it was that time of the month, and Severus Snape, who should be there at any moment.

And, of course, he was.

The first thing Snape realized when he came in was that everybody was dressed up to kill. Literally. He was only in his teaching robes.

"Ah, Severus, do come in. Ready for some fun?" Voldemort asked in his usual Dark Lord I'm-so-scary voice.

"Yes, Master," Snape answered automatically.

"Good! Bring them in."

On cue, Wormtail put his ball of yarn aside, got up and left the room. Meanwhile, all the Death Eaters got out of their robes and masks, leaving them in their usual clothes. Severus was relived he wasn't badly dressed for the occasion.

Wormtail came back in less than a minute with about a dozen Muggle-looking teenagers, all full of dirt, with their arms tied behind their backs.

Severus almost tripped, although he was standing, when he saw who was leading the group. Hermione Know-It-All Granger - in a _nighty_!

Hermione had no idea how she had gotten there, wherever there was, in the first place. One minute, she was in Gryffindor tower, tucked in her bed, sleeping too soundly for her roommates’ comfort and dreaming of Brad Pitt; the next she was on a dirty floor in the middle of nowhere.

Snape had no idea how she had gotten there in the first place. He was sure she had been sleeping in her bed, probably dreaming of some Muggle actor. Now she was going to get raped, maimed and tortured.

*******

Back at Hogwarts School of yada yada yada, Albus Dumbledore was eating lemon drops. He did love his lemon drops. They tasted like... lemon.

What he loved more than his lemon drops was saying 'lemon drop'. The phrase rolled off his tongue in a most wonderful way. And what he loved more than saying 'lemon drop' was being wise. That was his favourite thing by far.

So, what was his newest wise scheme... uh plan? Why, setting up Hermione Granger to get kidnapped by Death Eaters, so that Severus Snape would have to save her. That way, the two of them would be together forever. The reason? Snape needed to get laid. Badly.

Nothing could go wrong. He, Albus Dumbledore, had made the arrangements himself. The plan was perfect. Once again he congratulated himself on his wisdom.

"Lemon drop," he said for the one hundred sixty seventh time that evening before putting another sweet in his mouth.

*******

Hermione took a deep breath upon laying eyes on her Potions Professor. At least she wouldn't be alone with Lord Watch-me-being-insane and his mob of evil doers.

"Now," Voldemort started, "before we begin the raping, maiming and torturing, I just want to..."

"Ahem," Snape coughed in a very Umbridge-type way. Voldemort turned to look at him, clearly annoyed at being interrupted.

"Yes?"

"I humbly beg your pardon, oh Great One, Master of all that is dark and evil, torturer of souls, but I feel it is my duty to tell you something. The girl in front, the one with the brown hair and--"

"You mean the one half naked, with big, bushy, horrible hair, cliched eyes, large teeth, small nose--"

"Yes," Snape interrupted in a tight voice. "She's with me."

"Huh?"

"Yes, she's my... um... wife."

"I don't see a ring on either of your fingers," Voldemort commented.

"Yes. There isn't any ring because... she isn't my wife."

"Really?"

"Yes, she's my... soon to be... um... wife. Which would make her my... ah... girlfriend." The Dark Lord raised an eyebrow. "And sex toy," Snape added quickly.

Hermione was biting her lip not to laugh, although it was no laughing matter.

"Interesting. Did you know she's a virgin?"

_Great. She's still frolicking with the unicorns. Just my luck. Think!_

"Yes, I do. We're preserving appearances. In front of Dumbledore, you know."

"Then how is she your sex toy then?"

_Think!_

"She gives really good head."

Hermione was sure her lip was bleeding from all the biting.

"So, you want me to..." Voldemort made vague gestures with his hands.

"Let her go back to the castle with me. We want to get married when she's legal, which will be in about one year and four months. Until then, I'm keeping her locked up in my dungeons, to my bed, of course, and whipping her periodically. You can check on us every two hours, if you like. And of course I'll bring her to all the Death Eater revels we'll be having from now on."

There was a pause in which Voldemort thought it over and Snape realized what he had just done.

 _Maybe it won't be so bad,_ he reasoned. Since the nighty was transparent, he could see Hermione was really good looking. If he got over the bad hair, plain eyes, annoying voice, teeth that could, at any moment, grow back to their large size...

Severus stopped his train of thought. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.

He was just about to tell Lord Voldemort that he had changed his mind, when said evil doer spoke first.

"I've thought about and I've come to a decision."

Everybody in the room moved their upper bodies so they could listen closely.

"No."

"Thank you, your--" Snape snapped back to reality. "What?"

"I don't think so. Crabbe, Avery..." Two Death Eaters moved to stand in front of the throne. "Take her. She's yours for three nights each. Don't feed her anything and take plenty of whips."

Hermione didn't feel like laughing anymore.

"Wait," Severus stammered.

"No, Severus, you had your chance to tell the truth. Sixteen Cruciatus and three hundred lashes for lying to me." Voldemort looked alternately bored and excited with the prospect.

Snape decided then and there that he was through with fighting for the light. It was only getting him into more trouble.

"I'll tell you the truth then. I'm actually spying for the light. I work for Albus Dumbledore and I've been saving Harry Potter's life for almost six years now. She's Potter's best friend. That's why I'm helping her. She's not my wife, girlfriend or sex toy. I just want her to be alive so she can help the Order of the Phoenix. I'm a member and we're trying to kill you again. There, I've said it." He took a deep breath and waited.

For almost three and a half minutes, nobody said anything. Some even forgot to breathe, which made two Death Eaters faint and fall to the ground. Snape was sure they were done for and Hermione was again trying not to laugh. It was just too damn funny.

Suddenly, something resembling a laugh cracked through the tension in the room. Voldemort was almost falling off his throne with laughter.

"You, you," he pointed at Snape, "you're... oh God. I haven't laughed this hard in... Oh, my!" It took him a few more seconds to get himself together. "That was rich." He wiped off a tear from his face. "For a moment there, I really thought you were betraying me. But nobody with such a great sense of humour could be a double agent. Sure, you can take her. I'll send Lucius to check on you two every three months or so."

It didn't take Snape much to get out of his stupor. He'd always thought Voldemort was a nut-head, but this was the stuff of which science-fiction was made. He went over to Hermione, grabbed her hand, said a polite 'Cheers' and run out of there like he was being chased by man-eating, killer hedgehogs.

*******

**  
** _Six hours, twenty-five minutes later_  


"So, what shall we do with him after he's gotten his punishment?" Severus asked in an amused voice.

"Just let him stay there for a few more hours. Someone's bound to find him," Hermione said, before walking out of the passageway that lead from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade. Snape followed. Taking out the discarded book from his robes, he started to read.

In fact, it would take the Hogwarts staff another eleven hours to find their Headmaster, the illustrious Albus Dumbledore, shackled to a bed in the passageway, clad in Hermione's nighty, magically made to fit, with a bowl of lemon drops on his chest.

*******

**The End**

This story archived at: [Ashwinder](http://ashwinder.sycophanthex.com)  


  


<http://ashwinder.sycophanthex.com/viewstory.php?sid=4364>


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